i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize