Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
