i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she peed on how many people?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize