i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
