So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sext me about skeletons
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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