i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
