Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
