He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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