Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
