this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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