Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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