Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
