It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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