I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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