I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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