What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
