I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
