Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
