Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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