IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
