so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
