He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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