I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
