Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
