I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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