I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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