my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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