Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
