look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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