guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize