I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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