morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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