Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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