I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
