I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
