Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
