I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
