What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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