i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
