fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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