Where did you get a picture of my penis
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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