Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
