the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
