Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
