I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
