Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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