we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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