Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
