sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
