I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
