Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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