Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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