in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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