Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
