Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
did i just pee glitter
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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