i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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