life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
