I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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