I just saw a hot homeless man
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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