Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
