Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
