So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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