You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my sisters under your porch take her home
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
