dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
