There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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