Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
