I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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