U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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